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a miracle no one wants to witness.

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[03 Dec 2004|11:42pm]
Who was I kidding trying to believe in myself. As if I could accomplish such a huge task when I don't even deserve an award of that magnitude.

Please, just tell me everything you know about me, because I forgot it all.
2 ~ _!

[02 Dec 2004|11:34am]
I believe I am fully moving to tractate add at your own will.
2 ~ _!

[05 Nov 2004|12:13am]
staring into the open airport where luggage lines the bottoms of orange plastic chairs with impatient individuals holding passports to places they think hold a future worth traveling for; and in the middle of it I I drift away into the site of on coming traffic and speeding motor vechiles casing the outside lanes looking for a faster route to no where. i watched you pack your bags; i watched you pack everything that meant something to me into a dusty suitcase with meaningless old departures attached to zipper tags.

[26 Oct 2004|10:29pm]
I miss you so much. I never listend to them Jacob; I never listened to those people who said I should get over you. There is no time limit on recovery, there is no reasonable amount of time before I should move on, it can't be defined. I miss you so much and I wish I could explain the feeling of trying to cope inside your heart and mind exactly how long forever is; how long forever is until I see you. This is the end, I know the true meaning of regret; I'm aware that it is impossible to go back in time; I know wishing to change the past gets you exactly no where. I have my bad days, my days where I remember you, and miss you more than anything else I can fathom. I've never felt such pain through a death. Maybe it's because I know it could have been resolved; that it wasn't fate because you made the decision that you didn't want to live anymore. I think that's what anyone who is a survivor of suicide feels and can never surpass. The fact that it wasn't meant to be, but happened anyway.
3 ~ _!

[08 Oct 2004|12:24am]
You told me once you were bad luck; I’ve been crawling under ladders that stand tall with no fear of height; crossing the path of every black cat; and breaking every mirror in sight to get you. What we see is what we want, the only disgrace to this is it is only our reality, our observation, everything just sort of fades into the distance and we’re only left to deal with it when what once was present becomes the past. Something distorted in the distance we strive so but can’t resemble.

Maybe I was walking into a dream, a dream of tic-tac-toe’s and leaning on rustic, metal-entwined, fencing, staring off in a deserted baseball field with worn marks where proud players rose to defeat. The paint is chipping off from footprints and seating arrangements for the ultimate spin of a lifetime. No wonder I’m constantly seeking my youth, wondering where it left off and growing up took over.

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